Today, I pray that Our Lord can make something manageable out of the mess I made.
This morning we gathered for morning prayers and memory work which is something I require of the oldest four and is the extent of George's formal teaching at the moment. After we finished I told the three oldest their assignments and who I would be working with first. We settled into the classroom and cracked open our books. The door hurriedly opened and the most precious soon-to-be-five-year-old swept in with determination, asked eagerly if he could be on "Baby Duty." I replied, "of course" and warmed at his transition from "little" to "big". A few minutes later, I left the classroom to retrieve an item and saw four little ones, some on the table others in chairs with stacks of crackers and mountains of crumbles all over the floor happily enjoying yet another morning snack. George had risen to his duty and supplied everyone with unauthorized snacks.
I snapped because I actually didn't see the scene as I just described it. I saw rules being broken and a floor, that not fifteen minutes ago I had swept up, being desecrated again. I saw more time taken away from a daily schedule that is up to only me to keep. I saw another interruption into my perfectly planned day. I got upset and reacted poorly and stole the new found "bigness" away from my almost five year old. The word 'crestfallen' doesn't come close to describing how he looked. Broken. Confused. Pained. Slapped in the face with the reality of what happened and the reality that I could not undo what I had just done, I sobbed. I scooped up my beautiful boy and held him and apologized and told him that he did a wonderful job being on "Baby Duty" and rocked him and kissed him and ached for him and for our relationship that is now forever altered.
I begged God to not let this happen again, but it will. I am a fallen human in fallen world. I begged God to help me take a moment longer to survey a scene before reacting. Please God, let me sort out the 'Urgent' from the 'Important' and react appropriately. Please do not let me crush these beautiful souls anymore with my self-centeredness. Let me teach them to serve by serving them.
There's is nothing I wouldn't do to give my children unconditional, pure love and take away all past failures. Yes, I would give my life if the exchange existed. It doesn't. Not by me anyway. In a world with sin, it is what Christ, and only He, gave us.
So tonight I will beg forgiveness and beg for the ability to love my children better tomorrow, like we mothers do every night. And I will trust that God will be their All-in-All.
So tonight I will beg forgiveness and beg for the ability to love my children better tomorrow, like we mothers do every night. And I will trust that God will be their All-in-All.
This is so beautiful and totally captures the struggle I am starting to realize as Lenny becomes more and more independent. Thank you for sharing this! I am constantly in awe of how you manage everything so well, and I hope that I can be more like that as our family grows!
ReplyDeleteWell said, "God will be their All-in-All" Perhaps that is what we all learn from moments as painful as these. May God heal your broken hearts and may you each know the love of the other. Thank you sweet daughter for loving me past the hurtful moments in your life and seeing my love in those moments now that you are grown. God bless all parents who fail in many moments, but never fail to love.
ReplyDeleteDear Julia, you've written what I could have written a hundred times, at least. My heart still aches when I recall specific incidences when I crushed the spirit on one of mine and spent much prayer time giving them to Jesus on His Cross and apologizing to the wounded one(s). Each Resurrection Celebration now verifies opportunity for the beautiful New Life and the life of Christ I see in each of them and the love they so generously share with so many, including me of all people. Glory and Praise to Christ, the Healer at work. Be assured, God forgives the penitent.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that you saw and recognized what had happened in your little guys' spirit is the mercy and grace of God. Then your immediate response was truly an obedient, humble response to God's prompting. I think many times I was oblivious to what I was actually doing to my children. May God have mercy on me for all my 'mommy' sins.
ReplyDeleteYes every mother must feel this potent pain in rearing the gifts of our children. Gayle, I agree what a blessing to know at the moment the offense and be able to hold and cuddle the offended. I too, feel so many times I wounded my precious children and had no idea. Julia, you helped to see that there is still good in our failing if our children learn to make God their all-in-all. Thank you for looking back on your childhood with loving, forgiving grown-up eyes. Thank you for seeing my love through my mistakes. I know your children will do the same for you. I love you so much.
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