Well, it's been a while and a day since a post went up...here's my list of excuses.
1. Slow computer...so so slow.
2. Trying really hard to focus on school...doing much better, but there is always so much to do and never enough time or energy or enthusiasm for the really tough stuff.
3. Building a closet in our bedroom which is take forever and has knocked out internet for a bit. No it's not finished, or close just looks like a place we really should not be sleeping, but are.
4. Being pregnant...it does not get easier, in fact as I head into the second trimester I am fully expecting to miss out on the second trimester boost again and just resign to halfies-1st trimester nausea and exhaustion and 3rd trimester hugeness and waddling.
Truth be know this pregnancy has been so incredibly hard emotionally. And sadly the hardest part has been, "How are we going to tell everyone?" The comments made through the years sting all the more with every plus sign. This time around I allowed them to overtake my head and blocked out all the joy in this new life. No I am not blaming the naysayers, they can hold their own opinions, I am weaker this time around and have prayed constantly for acceptance and peace with this new life God has entrusted to us and will continue to pray.
Also on the rather difficult side is the trauma of Eleanor's birth. Trying to navigate the waters of true and complete care is very challenging. Do go to a doctor and risk the same situation as Ellie or do I go to a midwife and risk not passing my glucose test and being passed along to a doctor that doesn't care.
Lastly, I know there is far too many woman reading this (well other people's post like this) saying to themselves, "What I wouldn't give." I am truly sorry for what you are going through and I try so very hard not to complain about God's blessing in our marriage. Just this time around it's too much and as I deal with emotions that are foreign I try my best to offer them for your sake, for your pain and longing. I do not know your deep and sincere want for a full womb, however please know you fill so very much of my daily offerings and guilt. (I always feel so incredibly guilty for not being thrilled, knowing how much you all would give to be in my shoes.)
Okay well that's that tie-breaker is due in the Spring.
Maybe I'll post before than?
